I don't know really know what taking a 'spiritual inventory' means. When I look back, it seems to me that at the very points in my life when I felt the least spiritual and every day was a struggle, that those turned out to be the most spiritual times, and leading to the biggest lessons. But when I am in the spot, the only thing I see is a spiritual desert, a valley of dry bones.

I guess to me a spiritual inventory would mean knowing what I believe and why I believe it and being aware of my weaknesses. My biggest weakness is that I really hate people. Well, I don't really hate them, I just am not very good at rolling with the flow, as when unexpected guests show up. It is incredibly hard for me just to put on a hostess smile, knowing that whatever I had planned for the day is not going to happen, and be generous with my time for other people. In the story of Mary and Martha, I am way over on Martha's side.

Just who did Jesus think was going to feed Him and His apostles and all the neighbours if Martha sat on the floor and listened along with Mary? It would be Martha who would have to live with the neighbours later, gossiping about what a poor hostess she was, sitting there on the floor and not bothering to get any meal ready for her guests.

I am always so disappointed in myself, that in the quest for perfection, I miss so much of the enjoyment of the moment. I fall so far short of what I want to be. I tend to be way more unforgiving of myself than I am of other people and sometimes have to slap myself mentally in the face and ask myself, Who do you think you are - God - that you have to be so perfect?

With regards to writing about really personal struggles, for myself, I guess I am not comfortable with that. I don't make any sort of resolutions. What I do, is each day I ask God for the strength for that day. I try not to look too far ahead. Every once in a while, I crack and then dump every single worry far, far into the future, onto God. It's not that I think that God minds, it's that I can really work myself up worrying about too many things. When even a day is too far into the future, I ask for strength for the minute. I ask that wherever I go, I am aware that it is an opportunity for God to use me, if I am open to it.

Layla