I had tried to post earlier and my computer was 'doing funny things,' as the techies say and then I got busy with all the little trick-or-treaters.
So on to Heaven and your question of, if I haven't forgotten all the brilliant insights I had at the time when I first started writing this.
When I was a little girl, the idea of Heaven terrified me but the alternative, being Hell, as I understood it, was even worse, so as far as I was concerned, the 'choice' was forced on me. Of course I had to pick Heaven. I felt very bad and guilty about these thoughts which I had even then. When I was growing up, love of God was not emphasized nearly as much as the alternative, Hell. For some odd reason some pastors think that they can scare people into the arms of God. In my blasphemous thoughts, I felt that well, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
And so it was with me and my idea of God. I felt that I had to love Him because otherwise I would end up in Hell. So I feared God but I didn't love Him, for Himself alone. I think a lot of people who have turned against traditional churches have turned away for exactly that reason. People - most people? - resent feeling they are being forced into a corner.
And with regards to wanting to be in Heaven because we will see our loved ones and because there will be no more pain - firstly, we know that without God, there is nothing but pain, so really when we look forward to Heaven because there is neither death nor pain nor injustice, although maybe it seems at first glance that we are looking forward to Heaven only because of that, we aren't. We are looking forward to a place where there is no injustice, no death, and where we are reunited with our loved ones, and by definition, such a place, such thoughts have to include God. So God is not left out of the equation.
I think that is almost silly, when pastors tell us we were created to love God and praise Him. What the heck does that mean? Those words haven't any meaning at all because no one can tell us what they mean by that. Here we are, going through all this crap, and someone Up There claims that He created us to love Him. I think why we were created is a mystery, and no one has come up with a good answer, and so they trot out trite, superficial sayings and for some reason, expect that to comfort or satisfy us.
I believe it was Jesus (maybe it was God) who said that or maybe it was one of the apostles who said something along the lines of we didn't choose Him - He chose us. In fact, God in the OT reminds Israel repeatedly of that - that they didn't choose Him - He chose them, and not because they were so much better than the rest of us. He doesn't really get into His reasons for choosing Israel. He just says it wasn't because they were so much better than everyone else.
And then somewhere else in the Bible, it says that we love Him because He first loved us. His love comes first, not ours. Which makes perfect sense, since He is the First Cause of everything.
When we are forced to take a position due to the threat of dire consequences, how can we love freely? I don't believe that God wants to hold us hostage in a love me, or else way. That's not love. Love is something personal, that is given freely.
I've often wondered why children have so many nightmares. I don't have nearly the number of nightmares I had as a child. I can remember quite clearly the emotions I had when I realised, as a child, that one day my parents were going to die. One day everyone was going to die. Including me. And it seems to me that my nightmares sprung out of that fear. I used to try and plan what I would do if my parents died. I wanted to be with them. Then I was told that suicide would also take you to Hell. So you were stuck in this life because if you killed yourself thinking that you would be reunited in Heaven with your loved ones, well, God had a trick up His sleeve, because suicides, I was taught, went to Hell. Catch-22.
It is kind of hard to love a God like that for Himself, and not for fear of His threats so it is only natural that when we think of Heaven, and how much we want to be there, He isn't foremost in our minds. Our loved ones are.
I am trying to think just how and when it began that I loved God for Himself and I am not really sure. Somehow it began first with a verse, I think it is in Genesis, where it says, "Will not the Lord God do that which is right?"
And then I thought that yes, yes He would. He would do that which is right. He is the First Cause of justice as well. It is He from whom we get our ideas about justice. We (people) are very stupid in a lot of ways, but we all have a sense of justice, the moral law within, as the philosopher Immanuel Kant put it. Even the sociopath knows what is right and what is wrong - he just doesn't care.
I don't believe that God has any tricks up His sleeve. I don't know why He made us. I think He made us in part for companionship. Maybe angels are not free to choose to love him. Or maybe, because angels must know more than we and less than God, the very fact that they have more knowledge of Him makes the love that angels feel for God, less than faith - the faith that sees through a glass darkly, but not face to face. Maybe God wanted to create a thinking creature and see whether such a creature, who did not see God on His throne daily, could still see the goodness of God shining through the darkness in this world, and still, without ever having seen Him, believe that He must exist.
And somewhere along the line I realised that although I wasn't perfect, and in fact, my every imperfect way caused me such shame, that I don't have to be perfect. Jesus knows I am trying. That my prayer is more along the lines of I believe. Help Thou mine unbelief.
And somewhere along the line, I came to the point where seeing my loved ones alone, would not be enough. I want to see God face to face. I feel as though I have a world of tears bottled up that won't get out until I see Him and He explains to me the reasons for everything. I think that when we finally get to that place, that is how everyone will feel and that is what is behind that verse in the Bible, when it says that God will wipe away all tears from our eyes. First there has to be the crying before the tears can be wiped away.
And I believe that He is going to give us a reason and it is going to make perfect sense and the reason has to be a really good reason, a reason so good that all the pain of all people in the world at all times, is somehow justified by this reason. What that can be I really don't know. But I believe that it exists. And I can say, that even without my loved ones, I want to be there and I want to see Him, first of all.
I hope this post makes some sense. I feel as if I have rambled all over the place without quite connecting my thoughts the way that I want to.
Layla
